Lonely Within the Home: Helping Kids Feel Connected within the Family of Origin

When we think of our kids feeling lonely, we often view it as loneliness outside of the home. Whether it’s feeling left out of a friend group, having social anxiety or not having a place or a “thing.” That kind of loneliness certainly exists but the type of loneliness we often overlook is when children feel lonely within their family of origin.

When I give talks on my new book, Growing Up Strong, I share the five emotions kids need to manage before 18. The five emotions are: worry, sadness, anger, disappointment and loneliness. The first four feelings, parents generally expect to hear. When I get to loneliness, that changes. I see tears, hands start being raised and there’s a pause; a general sense of parents seeing their children in a different light.

Children experience loneliness in the home when they don’t buy into or don’t fit into the set of family values. If a family values academics and both parents have advanced degrees but one child doesn’t care about academics or do well in school, there is a conflict of beliefs about academics. The same goes with religious beliefs, social expectations and personality differences. As parents, we value certain things and those values come out either directly (“School should matter to you!”) or indirectly (“I am receiving an award for the research project I did at work.") The same goes for sports. If one child is really good at sports and the whole family attends all of the games and the other child isn’t good at sports, there is a message that sports matter.

These messages often isolate kids and they begin feeling like they don’t fit. When kids don’t fit, they look for places for others just like them. This could be online, at school or within social groups. Once they find where they do fit, they become confident in their values. This often leads to more tension: i.e. “Jessie’s mom doesn’t care if she does her homework.” If you feel like one of your children may feel isolated within the home, I would encourage you to do this exercise:

Go for a walk in nature without your phone (or turn it off). Take a few breaths, clear your mind and see the family through your child’s eyes. When your child wakes up in the morning, what do they hear? What messages or values are shared with them either directly or indirectly? When they get home from school, what is said to them? Who provides support? Who or what adds stress?

Spend 20-30 minutes really seeing the world through your child’s eyes. Then, ask yourself what your child needs from the family. Is is more time? A shared interest? Acceptance? Then, make a commitment to provide connection with your child. Clear up any messages that you feel your child has taken on. Tell them you love and accept them just as they are. Help your child feel they are a valuable asset to the family.

Parenting is hard. I believe we are all doing our best but in the rush of our lives, we often forget to see our kids for who they are instead of who we want them to be. Kids learn how to be in the world by being in our homes. That’s where confidence grows. Self-esteem. Identity. If kids grow up feeling like they don’t fit in the family system, they often feel like they don’t fit in the world or will find people on the fringes who don’t fit either.

Feel free to reach out and share how this exercise went for you. I would love to hear what you have learned. May our children, and ourselves, find deep connections with each other.

Sincerely,

Allison